Compliments, Acceptance, and Improv

The first time I remember someone telling me I was pretty, outside of maybe my family, I was 18. It was the end of my first semester at ITT Tech in computer networking. The male instructor pulled me aside and said, “I thought you were one of those girls who always got by in life by their looks, but you turned out to be smart.” Now I can look back and think, “Wow, thanks for the backhanded compliment.” At the time, I was confused. I was confused that I was pretty and even more confused that someone thought I dumb. My brother was smart and funny; I was smart and “too serious.” I was in advanced placement (AP) classes and extracurricular “smart kid” things my entire life. I was taking ACT and SAT prep courses starting in sixth grade. Smart was always a given for me. FYI, smart is not a description that helps kids succeed in life.

You're Weird, Kat

Maybe high-school kids don’t give compliments. Maybe adults forgot how to compliment each other. Maybe I hung out with people who didn’t have these skills. I don’t know, but what I remember hearing is, “what did you do to your eyebrows?” or “why don’t you part your hair further to the side?” or “you know you’d be skinner if…” Those are the repeat comments about my looks that have continued well into my 30’s. I’ve shaved my head, had a mohawk, and just about every color of hair (natural and unnatural). At one point, I had seven facial piercings—not counting my ears. Growing up in small Midwestern towns, having my looks called “weird” is a norm. Sadly, “weird” was the polite end of the spectrum.

My parents told that looks don’t matter—and they shouldn’t—but let’s be honest, they do. If you’re attractive, you’re seen as smarter, more capable, more trustworthy, and more social. It’s bullshit, but so are many things in the world—our unconscious mind kind of sucks and needs checked once in a while.

Improv, Positivity, and CBT

Improv alone will not fix all your problems, but improv is full of positive messages: “you can’t break improv,” “anything you say is right,” “if that’s your character choice, then that’s the right choice.” Improv is not the place to be culturally insensitive—I want to be clear about that. But you can play a jerk without being a jerk to your scene partners. The positive affirmations got me thinking about cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and improv. CBT is a type of talk therapy, also known as psychotherapy, that focuses on challenging and changing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. For example, the negative thoughts—either negative self-talk or memories of negative things said—that fill us with self-doubt and hold us back. Learning to change those internal narratives from “what did you do to your eyebrows” to “that person has a different expectation of beauty, and that’s okay; I can’t change how thick my eyebrows are, but I enjoy the shape of them and can use a brow pencil.” A quick Google search, with more than 1 million results, proves there might be more to the idea of improv and CBT than I can cover in this blog.

The other day I was delighted several times in the student auditions for a show at The Hideout in Austin, Texas. The whole thing was delightful, but I want to highlight a couple of moments, specifically for the topic of compliments and self-esteem. One was when my scene partner Kenzie chose to be a talking iguana, Franky. In improv scenes, you create worlds; sometimes, those worlds are not the “reality” we live in. Playing a talking iguana was labeled “a bold choice,” which can sound like “took a big risk” but isn’t. Risk in improv is minimalized by knowing your scene partner is going to “yes and” your choices, which means they will support the choices you make. It feels good to have your choices accepted, appreciated, and validated by another person.

In another scene, Bean’s character Meryl said she would go back and tell her younger self to make choices that make her happy instead of making other people happy. Damn. That’s profound. Raise your hand if you feel that one because I sure do. I stepped into the scene next with Meryl as her partner of 10 years, Caroline, and said something along the lines: "I hope you didn’t regret the choice to be with me because we were young when we met and I struggled to accept the dragons [lizards]." Meryl said she didn’t regret the decisions to be with Caroline. Then Caroline presented Meryl with a wall of lizard cages because Caroline loves Meryl and accepted Meryl’s love of lizards. How beautiful was that?

How often do you get that level of acceptance in your interpersonal relationships? How often do you know you’ll be accepted, appreciated, and validated by the people around you? Or do you spend more time worrying about what people will think?

Later Haters!

I have personally struggled with having negative people in my life. Gaslighting and emotional abuse suck, and it takes a heavy mental toll. It impacted how I felt about myself, my choices, and how I treated other people. Negative breeds negative; positive breeds positive. I started to decrease my time with the negative and increase my time with the positive. Because improv instills positive aspects like accepting and validating, the people who do improv tend to be supportive, and that’s what I want in my life.

At 38, I’m just starting to “hear with my heart” compliments instead of “graciously accepting” compliments. When Roy said, “Kat, I like your hair,” I felt that in my heart. Thanks, Roy! I like my hair too. It was a small compliment but meant a lot to me. It also feels good to FEEL the compliment instead of just saying “thank you” without feeling it. I also give fewer f*cks about what people are going to say or think and more f*cks about doing what is right for me. I didn’t do anything to my eyebrows, that’s just the way they are. I like parting my hair in the middle. If you think I’m fat, find someone else to date. I'm terrible at spelling and grammar but that doesn't make me stupid. I don’t care what I was told to do; I’m going to do what is right in my heart—and damn the consequences for doing the right thing.

Improv has helped me challenge and change some of my thoughts that were holding me back—this is why I see a connection with CBT. Improv is not therapy, but it can give you awesome life tools. I was in a world where Franky, the talking iguana, was a sage at human relationship advice. If I can be a part of building a world like that, then I have the tools to build a slightly better world around me by actively using acceptance, appreciation, and validation for both myself and others. Compliment others for the things you appreciate about them. Compliment yourself, too. Validate yourself and the people around you. And while you’re accepting others, don’t forget to accept yourself, too.